2005-04-11 - 5:38 p.m.
A Simple Prayer
On my knees and with a heart laden with sorrow and despair, I beseech your divine guidance and favor. I have, for eons, floated through this world, jumping from life to life. Yet within all these separate existences, I have yet, until now, found a force that could so profoundly crush the joy in my heart. This pain, this suffering is such an alien concept to my soul that at times I do not know what to do. I revel in the mystical pleasures when my flesh is wrought with it, yet when it is my spirit that suffers, I fall in overbearing agony and whimper, my existence shattered.
I am a vampire. I live off of the life force that pervades this world. From the lowliest plant to the most intellectual of beings, I exist only from the sacrifice of energy that they give. I am also a therianthrope, my soul, my very being, has walked at one time upon all fours. My furred body has struggled through seasons, hot and cold, wandering on a predestined course towards destiny. Set free, my soul has danced through the ages, providing its own direction, its own pathway through time. I am also upon this earth under the sign of the bull. I am a Taurean by birth. I plod along stoically and rationally until my service is complete and no longer needed It is these three aspects that bind together and within the forges of this world, temper my soul into steel. I draw from these factors and I am shaped by them.
So how is it that someone who is, by nature, strong of heart, stoic of principal and able to carry endless burdens, crushed by so simple an emotion as sadness. How do the simple pressures of this world well up into a tsunami of such giant proportions and threaten me with endless pain and misery. Do I bring upon myself this torturous agony? Am I to blame for the hurt I suffer? Are these cold iron bars caging my heart and squeezing my soul of my own creation? My own doing?
Do I not work hard enough? Do I need to spend the few hours left to me groveling for a few dollars more? Is the added stress of the increased burden justifiable for the pittance, the measly compensation that I would receive?
Do I not care enough? Is my desire to comfort others and to shield them from the dangers of this world, both physical and mental, ineffective and meaningless? When I place the cares and desires of others above my own, am I hurting them in some way?
Do I not love enough? In a world fraught with suffering, angst and woe, is the island I try to build, upon which to place the ones I love, a deserted island? Does the blood that pours forth from my veins not potent enough to surround those I hold so dearly in my heart and keep them from harm?
I would never think that I could be one such as those that care for themselves more than others. I willingly spill my blood, burn my flesh and suffer in place of those that I love and care for. I find joy in giving all that I have to bless those around me. I sink to my knees in suffrage so that my body and soul may suffer the torment of existence so that no one else need sacrifice themselves. And yet, it seems, that my sacrifice, my willingness to give so much of myself in the defense of others does not earn me gratitude. It does not bring me overflowing joy and love. It only brings me more pain. It only suffices to increase my own suffering.
And yet, with all of this agony, with this incredible sacrifice tearing away at me and threatening my very existence, my heart beats steadily, for I know no other way in which to exist. I give of myself out of my love for others, and to change that, to change the essence of my soul, would surely cause the cessation of my endless journey through time. My love is my life, and without it, I would die. Even at the times when I am brought to the lowest point, when my soul and heart both cry out for mercy, my love knows no end. I have died many times before, yet, death is not a welcome friend.
Goddess, I beseech you. If it is my blood you want, it is yours. If my soul is to be laid across your table and used to wipe your hands after dining upon my flesh, then I give it to you freely. If it is my very life that must be snuffed in order to appease your hunger, then I will gladly wield the knife myself.
But, if what you ask of me is to stop loving you. if your desire is for me to lay down my burdens and give up that which gives me life, then I must humbly and with reverence refuse. Thus, I end my prayer to you. May your blessings be upon us all.